Monday, April 11, 2011

Do you have a band-aid? I just scraped my knee falling for you

Seduction is a battlefield. You are armed and ready with your armor, heavy duty gun and helmet. Yet, you can never beat a grenade. You will always be shot down in a blaze of glory. Guaranteed. I am not actually talking about war; I am talking about the dance floor. Many of you have been in the awkward situation where you are creepily approached by some random person. If you are one of the lucky few that have not been approached, then let me set the scene:

You are at a steamy new club in the center of town

You are hanging with three of your closest friends

You have been dancing with your friends having a great time

There is an awkward silence and sudden pause in the music

From the corner of your eye you see a man/woman eyeing you from the dance floor

He/she has a creepy gleam in their eye and you know they are going to approach you

You try to make a quick getaway, but they dance floor is so crowded there is no way of escaping

You are trapped! If only there were ways to teleport (hmmmm…)

Well, somehow this person uses his ninja like abilities to maneuver the crowd and is standing right in front of you.

*awkward pause*

*Insert ridiculous pick up line here*

So picture yourself in this situation. What would you do? For me, it all depends on the individual and the line being utilized. Some are so ridiculous they are hysterical and I would give mad props to the person for actually having the courage to say that to a human being. Some are just completely obnoxious and say that the person is a complete jerk. And there are many that don’t make any sense what so ever. They are completely idiotic and random.

I have never been picked up using a ridiculous pick up line, but I am sure there are many people out there that have been. I don’t understand the appeal of them or why anybody would think they would actually work. Many lines are just outright disgusting. I will refrain from writing any of those on here just for decency and in hopes of keeping your minds clean.

On a quest to find completely obnoxious and random pickup lines I stumbled upon a website that provided hundreds of lines divided in to separate categories: straight to the point, innuendo, cheesy, What?, flattery, just plain lame, beavis and butthead, personal favorites, and left field. I found these categories to be very appropriate and quite hilarious.

For your enjoyment I decided to provide you with a few of my favorites. And btw I didn’t make these up. They have actually been used...I can only imagine the people that were saying these.

Here are my top picks for the most ridiculous:

5. I know a great way to burn off the calories in that pastry you just ate

4. Wow, your eyebrows are thick

3. I want you to have my children (pause) GREAT! They are in the car outside.

2. I once knew a squirrel named Marvin. God your hot. Marvin is in Africa now.

1.The winner of the most ridiculous pick-up line is:

If you were suddenly transported to the sun because of an evil scheme devised by an evil Russian chicken and asked to take off your clothes and make love to the burning flames and then recite the presidents in alphabetical order by their middle name while juggling 11 midgets holding soda cans between your two front teeth that will be operated on by 86 evil Czechoslovakian dentists named Farkus who got their degrees studying the taste buds of Tom Selleck at a college named after some guy who wasted away his life by eating pork grinds naked in his mom's basement while searching for pictures of Kirsten Dunst to use for purposes that cannot be explained by the 1972 Junior High class of some school that no one cares about in Eastern Idaho where woodland creatures choose to spend their lives trying to recreate some bad 1940's soap opera instead of frolicking happily in the woods, would you prefer chocolate ice cream or vanilla?

Not only are these lines completely absurd they don’t even make sense! Honestly if you are that desperate to use a line like that you don’t deserve to get anybody. I am sorry but it is true.

Do not use corny pickup lines. Thank you.

If you want any more enjoyment visit this website: